


Starving for Perfection

by featherlightflight



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Cliffhanger, Eating Disorder, Established Relationship, Gen, M/M, Pointless Drabble, idk just read it, some fluff I guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-21
Updated: 2013-08-21
Packaged: 2017-12-24 04:57:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/935649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/featherlightflight/pseuds/featherlightflight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Food was the reward for a job well done. Only, in Louis' mind, he was never good enough."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Starving for Perfection

It was early in the afternoon in early August. One Direction was having brunch at a cafe, the sun was high in the sky, and Louis was well on his way to setting a new personal best.

The cafe was a quaint little place just a block away from their hotel. The sign out front was written in French, a simple sort of script type that matched the decour inside perfectly.

One Direction, along with their entarauge of security staff and such, were sitting in the corner furthest from the window. (That being said, they still had a perfect view of the busy little street outside because the place was absolutely tiny).

Everybody had a plate infront of them that, about fifteen minutes ago, had been filled to the brim with artfully arranged brunch-type foods. Now they were only half full with food that had been pushed carelessly around the plates by forks and knives and in some cases even fingers.

Louis' plate on the other hand had nothing more than a few pieces of fruit. A few pieces of  _untouched_ fruit. He wouldn't be able to break his own record if he caved in now and started eating.

Niall took one look at Louis' untouched food and didn't even hesitate to reach over and start picking at it. "Y'know, if you were going to leave all this for the rest of us, you could've at least ordered something we all like." He commented.

"Sorry Nialler, next time I'll take a vote." Louis joked.

"You better." Niall agreed with a not-so-threatening wave of his fork.

Harry wasn't nearly as amused though. "C'mon Lou," He murmured, "you've got to eat  _something_. There's no way you aren't hungry."

"I'm not." Louis lied easily. In reality he was absolutely starving, but Louis didn't dare admit that to anyone. It wasn't that he wanted to lose weight exactly, sure he wouldn't mind if the 'Tommo Tummy' got a bit smaller, but it wasn't really at the top of his to-do list. If it were he'd probably have to add sit-ups and crunches and maybe even a run to his morning routine and he really didn't have time for that. No, Louis' issue with eating ran a whole lot deeper than something as cosmetic as his appearance.

What Louis really wanted, more than anything else, was to be perfect.

He wasn't entirely sure just what that entailed, but he had a feeling he would know when he got there. For now, though, all he could do was punish himself for setbacks. If he didn't meet his own unspoken (and subsequently unobtainable) standards then he needed to be punished, and starvation just so happened to be Louis' punishment of choice.

Only it wasn't all that easy starving himself with a million people watching his every move. Especially not when one of those people just so happened to be with him almost 24/7 and, much to Louis' chagrin, seemed to care about Louis' health and well-being even more than his own (and alright maybe Louis kind of sort of loved that just a little bit most of the time but it was nearly impossible to tare himself down when there was somebody making it their own life mission to build him back up again all the time).

As it so happened, that one overly-caring person was sitting right next to him at the moment and was holding out a spoon piled high with something that looked an awful lot like cake. "Here, try this," He murmured, "it's really good."

Louis really didn't want to. He couldn't eat now, not after the complete disaster of a live acoustic performance he'd given yesterday at their interview and certainly not when he was so, so close to finally doing something right. He couldn't very well say no to Harry either though, so after only a moments hesitation he nodded and opened his mouth to accept the sickly sweet desert.

"S'good, right?" Harry asked.

Louis smiled and nodded and mumbled a quick, "mm, real good, gotta pee" through his mouthful of food before he slipped out of his chair and made quite a show of dancin off to the bathroom.

Once inside, Louis spit the food out into the bin in the corner and walked over to stand infront of the sink. He splashed some cool water on his face and tilted his head back as it trickled down his neck. It was a perfect distraction from the hunger gnawing at his stomach.

For the past week or two he had only eaten full meals when it was absolutely unavoidable. One day Harry cooked a spectacular dinner for their date which, of course, Louis ate as much of as he possibly could because he knew it would make Harry happy. (He wound up feeling really sick after because he ate way more than he should of, but it was still worth it). A few days later Liam pointed out how litte Louis had been eating lately so Louis made sure to eat a little extra that night.

Today though, today was special. Today Louis would set his new personal record. By the time their concert ended tonight it would be a full 72 hours since the last time Louis ate anything more than the absolute bare minimum. He wasn't stupid, he'd eaten a few small things here and there to keep himself going and to keep up appearances around other people, but other than that his stomach was completely empty.

In his mind he deserved it. He deserved the headaches and the dizzy spells and the constant fatigue. He deserved every second of the suffering that not eating brought about because, as far as Louis was concerned, he wasn't good enough for anything better.

Louis was so caught up distracting himself from the hunger at hand that he didn't hear the door open. Or maybe he didn't hear it because Harry made a point of keeping quiet as he walked over to step up behind Louis and slip his arms around Louis' middle. "You alright, love?" he murmured.

Louis looked forward to meet Harry's gaze in the mirror and smiled weekly, "yeah, m'fine."

"You're not getting sick, are you?" Harry asked, "you look a bit pale."

"Do I?" Louis asked. His gaze drifted from Harry's face to his own. He did look a bit pale. More than that, though, he looked tired. The bags under his eyes were just a little too big and dark and his hair wasn't quite right and neither was the smile he was still faking.

"You do." Harry murmured. He spun Louis around by the hips and gently settled him back against the counter.

"I'm not." Louis promised as he snaked his arms up and around Harry's neck, "getting sick that is."

Harry raised a skeptical brow at that and smiled softly, "no? Then what've you been doing in here this whole time? Just staring at your own reflection?"

"Har har har." Louis chuckled dryly, "no, actually I've been standing here thinking about how wonderful you are and wondering when you might come walking through that door." He lied without missing a beat. He couldn't really even call it lying. Harry really was wonderful, there was no doubt about that.

"Mm, yeah?" Harry hummed, "and why exactly am I wonderful now?"

Louis grinned and shook his head quickly, "no no, I'm not making that ego of yours any bigger."

"Please?" Harry pouted, "not even if I-" he stopped speaking then in favor of ducking his head down and nipping lightly at the base of Louis' neck.

Louis giggled but still didn't say anything so Harry slipped his hands into Louis' back pockets and set to kneading at the muscle there while he continued his work on Louis' neck.

"Oi! Let's go!" Zayn shouted as he burst through the bathroom door. One look at Harry and Louis, though, and he turned and left - mumbling something about how he "knew it was a bad idea to send Harry into the bathroom after Louis."

"Oh, right," Harry mumbled sheepishly as he pulled just far enough away to look at Louis, "I was supposed to come in here and let you know that we're all leaving."

"Then let's go." Louis said with a nonchallant shrug. Neither of them made a move for the door though, instead Harry just tilted his head down once again, this time to close the distance between them, and made the other boys wait just a little bit longer.

\--------

Louis did start to worry until he stood up from the hair and makeup chair and had to sit right back down because he felt like he might pass out if he didn't.

"You alright there, love?" Lou asked, though she sort of sounded like she might not believe him no matter what the answer was.

Louis just nodded quickly and hopped up out of the chair once again, "yeah, 'm fine, just wasn't too sure how to tell you I couldn't bear to be away from you so I figured sitting back down would work." He winked and stumbled off to go collapse onto the couch in their dressing room. Part of him was surprised Lou didn't come searching for him, but then, he'd never been one to simply walk out of a room before so why would he start now?

He felt tired in a way he couldn't even describe - sort of like even sleeping would take more energy than he had to give.

He was so fucked.

\---------

By some mircale, Louis found his second wind just minutes before One Direction were set to take the stage.

It didn't last all that long though. By the time their third song came around he could feel himself slipping again and by the fifth he was very seriously considering running off the stage to go collapse onto the couch in the dressing room.

Suddenly there were three quick snaps right infront of his face and Louis' eyes followed slowly from the hand to the person standing right infront of him. "Lou? Did you hear me?" Harry asked.

He had to think about it for a minute because he really hadn't been paying attention at all, but before too long Louis nodded, "yeah, front and center during the next song so Liam can fix his.. something or other? Sorry I was spacing out but I got the gist of it, yeah."

Harry's brows knit together and smile pulled into a tight, worried line. "You sure you're alright Louis? You've seemed kind of off all night." He murmured.

"I'm fine, Mum." Louis muttered as he smacked Harry's hand away.

To his credit, Harry was less than convinced, but he knew Louis wasn't one to make a spectacle of himself when it came to pain and sickness. Louis was more of a 'suffer in silence' kind of a guy and Harry could respect that. For now.

"Really Haz," Louis murmured when he glanced up to find that Harry's gaze was still level and concerned. He gave Harry's hip a soft reassuring pat and murmured another quick, "I'm fine" before bounding across the stage to get to where he needed to be for the next song.

Things only seemed to get worse after that though. The lights felt brighter, hotter, and the fans seemed to be screaming so much louder, and the pounding headache Louis was sporting refused to be forgotten for even a second. On multiple occasions he found himself holding the microphone stand so tightly that his knuckles went white and, just once, he nearly brought it crashing down to the ground with him. He still wasn't sure how he had managed to keep himself standing there, but the crowd seemed to think it was a joke and they went wild with laughter.

It would all be over soon. That's what Louis kept reminding himself. Just a few more songs and he could go home and fall into bed with the love of his life and tomorrow morning when Harry made him breakfast he might just let himself eat it because performing like this, setting this new record for himself, it definitely deserved a reward.

Louis beamed and took three hopping steps towards center stage, giving Harry's bum a quick slap on the way past. He could do this. He could.

Except he couldn't. The second the spot lights hit him Louis knew he was absolutely not okay. The screams (as well as the ringing) in his ears seemed to amplify tenfold as the whole world started to cave in around him. Up and down suddenly felt like a foreign concept and the steadily growing black dots in his vision didn't help the matter in the least bit. He felt hot and cold and then just like that he was crumbling to the gound and all he could think was:

_"This? This is not perfect."_

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah so I know this one is pretty pointless but I wrote it like a year ago and put it up on tumblr and so I figured I'd throw it up here too for consistency's sake.
> 
> Also sorry there's no reconciliation or anything like that but most of the time those just end up being cheesy anyways and I don't want to write that aha
> 
> Thanks for reading! x


End file.
